My whole life has been a roller coaster. Ups and Downs. Yes that’s how life is supposed to be, that’s how you learn, that’s how you grow, I get it. But how do you take control of the ride? You got to control because it can go a-wall if not. It has for me, a lot of times. I have taken control of it though, quite a lot as well. But I never know how to maintain it. Here is what happens to me,
I am a good person. I know, you can’t stamp yourself, but hey I am gonna and I am telling you I am. It also doesn’t mean I don’t know bad. I do. That’s how I know what good is.
So take control of my life, when I say control, it means, not to give a damn about the people who use me, who betray me, who pretend to care, or to the things that go wrong — like I have walked under a ladder and carrying a curse kinda wrong. I simply take a deep breath and ignore and continue to do the things that makes me happy. Like, writing, working out, studying, building my career, attending to things that I have been putting off because of my lazy ass — It works, It really really does. For a moment, I would feel like I am at most peace, that’s when things go south. Fall apart. I snap.
When I say snap, there are two sides to that snapping. The first one is, I shut myself off from the world, from communicating, from technology (expect tv) and feel nothing. That actually helps. Second type is something I am not proud of, because everytime it happens, I feel guilty once it wears off. I bite people’s head off. If anyone were to cross path or anything do wrong when I am in that state, that would have been a bad move. If the ones on the other side is some random unknown person, they would definitely think I am not a good person. Thankfully, It has never lasted longer. I just have to sleep it off and that passes away.
The aftermath of my snapping is pretty confusing. I start questioning myself. I mean maybe that’s how you deal with things? I am not sure. I don’t really have much friends around me since I moved to a different country. (It’s a good thing I moved, I wanted to live by myself and on my terms and where I fit. This is my fit. I just haven’t met many to make friends. Except one. Thank god for her!). I have my best friend who is always there even when she is thousand miles apart and she helps me through it. I have never calmed down without her help — the aftermath guilt. So maybe I haven’t learned how to deal with things. Yet. I am trying to learn.
There are few things I did figure out. Mistakes that I need to avoid to keep myself from snapping like that. It may sound dark or twisty but I have a feeling that might help or even could be the right thing.
1.Do not seek happiness — Let it find you:
This does not mean you need to stay put and happiness finds you. This just means, even if the apple is appealing to you, do not take a bite. It could be poisoned. Do your thing. List down your plans and start checking off the list one by one. That outcome may not always be the one you wanted, but it’s not the end. It could have altered the course and something good will come out of it in the future. So keep moving on and stick to your plan. Handle things as you go. Again, do let appealing distract you.
This is definitely not easy as it sounds. I started to do this only few days back and I already am expecting results (human greed). I know. Duh, right? But I gotta keep going. Keep building that ladder. Check off one by one and watch the chips fall as it may. Ofcourse you are entitled to have fun and entertain yourself on that path. But do only that will bring you fun and nothing else attached.
2. If your gut says no, it’s a NO:
This is necessary if you want to achieve the first point (path). If you feel something is not wrong then it probably is not. Remember, although this is does not mean “do not follow dream”. Fight. Keep fighting — but fight for the right thing. Sometimes you may lose that fight, but you will have no regrets. The failure may actually help you fight harder because you are fighting for something that’s right. If you choose to go down the path when you feel like you shouldn’t — it will only bring you pain and chaos.
3. Never give up:
Pretty much everything means the same but if it’s kind of not. This is for when you are following down the right path. You will face obstacles, distractions that will bury you. Dig out and keep going. You will eventually get there. And things will start going your way even without you releasing it is. Now that’s how life works. You need to learn to distinguish the right and wrong.
Well, that is too long than I expected. Anyway, remember this — Enjoy the ride. Because you don’t know when that ride is going to go “Ka-Boom”. The ride is uncertain and the final destination is unknown. If this ride doesn’t get you high enough to continue fighting, nothing will.